Beauty Tips from the Morbidly Sad

God did not bless me with much eyebrows. And as a person with pale blue eyes, let me tell you that no brows gives the illusion of no eyes, and a no-eyed face is terrifying. That’s right up there with that thing without a nose from Pan’s Labyrinth.Image

Now that I look at it, THAT thing has no eyes, sort of, unless it holds its hands in front of its face. It’s like the costly production mock-up of an Amy Allen sketch, but I digress. While I might want to walk around with my hands in front of my face, I’m not a fan of bashing my shins on chairs or stubbing my toes or letting anyone on the Outside think there might be something wrong with me, so. Eyebrows.

It might seem odd for me to be posting about beauty tips. Why should a clinically depressed person care about beauty? And that is a fair question; disinterest in personal hygiene habits is definitely a symptom of depression. In fact, it is one of my tells. When I have the wherewithal to step back and gander at my situation, I can tell I’m having a rough time if, say, I haven’t bothered with thing like showers, clean clothing, brushing my hair, or deodorant. And if the REASON for not bothering with these things is sad feelings and feelings of worthlessness, I can try to use some coping strategies. Breeding brows on my forehead can actually make me feel better about myself and pump up my sense of self-worth.

Wait, I just thought up a self-help depression tip. I don’t know why, this isn’t really an advice blog, but here we go:

Self-Help Beauty Depression Advice Tip: Buy yourself a gift certificate to the beauty salon/nail salon/studio of your choice. Pre-arrange for someone close to you to try to help you use it during a bad patch. That way, when you are down in the “Abyss,” as my college roommates liked to call it, you can actively have people caring for you and making you feel beautiful.

I have no idea if this will help. It would be a struggle for me, personally, to allow anyone to get me out the door on a really bad day. But perhaps it would work at the beginning of a downslide. I’ll try it and see.

SO. Eyebrows! As a Bear of Little Brow, I have to take measures to get the golden arches working. My main goal is to make them look natural, since that is my personal style. Unfortunately this tends to take up the bulk of my Prepare To Leave The House time in the morning, but it’s worth it.

1) Nurture What You Have  My brows aren’t ALL thin. In fact, the bulk of the hair is centered directly over the eye, sort of like a tiny Hitler mustache. I let that hair grow, and then I perform a brow “combover”, if you will. Any wild hairs get trimmed, but the submissive ones get combed into eyebrow-shape. Brow gels and brushes help with this. A cheap, decent brand (sold at Target if you can stomach shopping there) is E.L.F. A warning: eyebrow stuff can get EXPENSIVE. The two-dollar E.L.F. gel works just fine for me, but everyone’s spending tolerance is different, so, I don’t know. If you’ve found something awesome that’s not going to cost your firstborn, let me know.

2) Cull the Defiant Ones I get these tiny spiky black hairs that jut out of my brow bone in odd places. I don’t want to sound special; probably everyone gets these. One of my most favorite things to do is pluck them out. Heck, I even bought pretty-girl tweezers to do this. There is something so satisfying about plucking. It makes me feel like Aylmer in Hawthorne’s “The Birthmark.” When I am plucking these wild hairs I have full faith in man’s ultimate control over Nature. It’s even better when I get one on my chin. Take that, tiny hair-bastards.

3) Try that weird tiny razor-y thing. Actually I don’t like that thing at all. Forget that thing. Just pluck. But not TOO much. Be bold be bold but not too bold. The goal isn’t to take the nice hairs you already have, but to shape them.

4) Brow pencil. Don’t use too much or it gets smeary, but definitely use this to give  definition. I tend to go a little heavier on the underside of the hairs rather than the top. Brush the brow first, and then brush it again afterward. Make it look neat and full.

5) Finish with Gel. This will help keep the brow and the brow pencil filler in place.

There! Now there are eyebrows and you can leave the house without having to worry about that. Routines help you to feel normal. They can take the edge off a crisis. They help you feel  worthy of care and love and being alive, and that’s because you are.*

*Note to self: re-read this during Dark Times.


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